How to change a nappy in 10 easy steps

Method for fidgety toddlers

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๐Ÿคฃ Step 1- Grab child, try to avoid spillages or baby poking fingers in pooh (there’s a time and a place for exploring sensory play and this is not it!)

Step 2- Pin child to the changing mat in a gentle but firm manner. (You can use your feet for this if necessary). Then commence crazy Singing…. a medley of their favourite nursery rhymes or a made up song about Pooh ๐Ÿ’ฉ

Step 3 – If this ‘pin down hold’ fails, try to change nappy standing up. Whip it off and hope that any debris doesn’t flick up in your face. Advise to keep mouth closed…. just incase!

Step 4- By now child will have escaped your grip and peed/poohed on the floor somewhere. Collect child up again with one arm and with the ‘spare’ hand, mop up any puddles of piss or rogue runaway nuggets…before another kid slides up/steps in it ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Step 5 – Whilst child is arching their back and wriggling around in protest, slap some nappy cream on as needed.

Step 6 – Remove child’s hands from sudocreme tub.

Step 7 – Catch child for the umpteenth time and chuck a pull up nappy on them faster than the speed of light.

Step 8 – Re-dress child after taking them off the window sil, dining room table or in the under stairs cupboard.

Step 9 – Repeat step 6.

Step 10- Start all over again as child has plopped in fresh nappy ๐Ÿ’ฉL x ๐Ÿคช

Mud, Mud Glorious Mud!

In true Madden style a simple family dog walk ends up being an unexpected mudfest, right up to our knees.

It was all going so well…. it only took us 3 hours to actually leave the house today! So we took ourselves on a little wander, just local nowhere too extravagant.

About half way round Tommy decided he didn’t want to walk any further and wanted to be carried. Picture this…. I am 5ft 2, I have the twins in the pushchair, the dog attached and Tommy precariously balanced on the handlebar with his arms wrapped around me! We got a few strange looks as I was pushing it along 2 steps at a time, as his bum kept slipping off. Great I’m gonna have to carry him home ๐Ÿ‘ So onto my child bearing hip he goes…. now carrying him is pretty challenging. He’s lanky and tall and likes to arch his back then go stiff as a board.

Just for good measure Tommy then decides to repeatedly slap my face as hard as he could, just as we walk past a calm normal family with 2.4 children. I saw them do a double take, gasp and count all the children throwing a disapproving glance our way!! YES I have 5 fucking children and a dog! Get over it! Yes I’m having a traumatic time right now! So do yourselves a favour and look away!!! (Of course I didn’t actually say this to them but sometimes wish I was that outspoken lol) Jeez some people! ๐Ÿ–•๐Ÿป๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

We are 5 mins from home now but if we take a shortcut across the field it’ll take 2 mins I thought! I called to Toby up ahead “How Muddy is the field right now?” “Not muddy at all he says!” So we proceed to take the ‘short cut’. FML not only was it muddier than a farmers welly boot. We were already half way across, so no point in turning back now! If I stood still any longer I was gonna need a tow rope to pull me and the babies out of the deep muddy puddle I had rolled into!!

Now I did NOT have my wellies on … no far from it. I had my brand new, out of the box, fresh as a fucking daisy white pumps on!! ๐Ÿ˜ญ

Meanwhile Tommy had found his second wind and was happily jumping in the mud trousers and trainers soaked. Happy as a pig in shit! Literally! ๐Ÿท I don’t mind my kids getting mucky but I just want expecting it right this moment in time. Lol ๐Ÿคฃ Never mind it’s all good fun and we were only a few minutes away from home.

So we finally get home 10 minutes or so later than the bloody long way round. We go in the back gate and I start hosing down shoes and pushchair. Then turn around and there is a semi-naked toddler standing there in his coat and socks with no pants on!! Talk about a chilly willy! โ„๏ธ He thinks it’s hilarious to try and catch the water from the hose….Anyone would think it was summer… He really does not care one iota! ๐Ÿ˜ณ Maybe he’ll grow up to be a naturist! Lol

My new shoes are ruined and the pushchair is caked in what I hope is just mud and not dog shite ๐Ÿ’ฉ! Gotta laugh at myself really…

So that was our crazy little dog walk. Always a comedy moment with these kids ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ™ˆ x

Albertโ€™s gone commando!

As the title suggests out Albert has worked out the commando crawl! He’s been getting around the floor since about 4/5 months rolling and wiggling about. Now (almost 7 months) he’s proficiently dragging his cute little ass to wherever he wants to explore! Also up on his hands and knees rocking and kinda jumping/shoving himself forward.

He’s here, he’s there ….. he’s everywhere! Lol๐Ÿ˜ณ

Annie isn’t too far behind him either but she can’t quite get the momentum to pull herself along. Instead she gets up on her hands and knees rocks then un-gracefully falls flat on her belly ‘land-swimming’ doing a breaststroke like motion (not actually moving). Mind you, She can easily roll over and over and shimmy backwards, getting herself into some awkward spots. There’s mild panic when u step back in the room and she’s disappeared, nowhere to be seen …. then a pair of eyes peekaboo out from underneath the footstool! ๐Ÿ‘€

It suddenly dawned on me …..oh how lovely it is they are developing well and becoming more independent. However HOW the hell am I gonna manage 3 toddlers on the move!?? All heading in different directions? I guess do a quick risk assessment and go to the one in most danger first? …..tie him or her up to lamppost or pushchair and at Wonder Woman speed spin round and scoop up the other 2? Bloody hell I’m gonna have my work cut out. Tommy started walking at 9 months so if these 2 follow suit I’m in for a right treat in a couple months time!! At least I might finally get skinny? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

I’m gonna have to try and put reins on the twins, to try and regain some sort of parental control! I’ll need one of those dog leads that splits into 2 and also one of those retractable dog leads for Tommy….so I can reel him back in as necessary! ๐Ÿคฃ ๐Ÿ™Š. In true toddler style ….He loves to drop to the ground (in the middle of a road) or refuse point blank to walk. He breaks free of my grip and bolts to jump in a random puddle he spotted 100 metres in the distance. My headstrong 2.5 year old already knows what he wants out of life ….. and woe betide anyone who gets in his way!!!

So watch this space cause I’m sure there will be a tale or two to tell in the near future. There’s never a dull moment here at The Madhouse as it is …… This will be bedlam!!! ๐Ÿคช

๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ถ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘ถ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘ฆ๐Ÿผ ๐Ÿ‘ฑ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฑ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธxxx

Sunday Funday

It’s a usual Sunday in The Madhouse! Like most ‘normal’ people (we are however far from normal). We lounge around in our pjs, having a rather lazy Sunday, breakfast is bacon sarnies and potter about the house till at least 12pm. The big kids are glued to Xbox and you tube,  the TV commandeered by the Toddler so we are watching Trolls for the millionth time. 

Let’s go on a nice family dog walk daddy suggests……Ok good idea! So then we commence attempting to find clean clothes, matching shoes etc. A few hours later we are all dressed and dragged our backsides off the sofa. We’re just about to leave the house but the twins need feeding again and bums need changing. Meanwhile Tommy is running around throwing squashed banana at the walls and squirting juice everywhere! ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

We eventually attempt to pile in the magic disco bus -the 8 seater minibus I recently purchased to accommodate my brood! I should give it a name it really. ๐ŸšŒ

Strapping a toddler and two babies in takes another 20 minutes. After a lot of swearing and getting in a hot sweaty mess manoeuvring and fitting 3 car seats, getting tangled with seat belts etc the little ones are safely locked in. The big boys are now squabbling and having proper fisticuffs in the back of the bus! Then they make up and are playing some kind of weird game that involves shrieking in each others faces and finding it highly amusing. FML 

We go fetch the grumpy dog ๐Ÿถ and he pulls a refusal to enter the new bus! Mr ‘Maddog’ (aka Daddy) picks up the miserable, overweight Jack Russell and finally climbs aboard! By this point it’s nearly sunset, it’s starting to bloody rain I’m seriously losing the will to live now! ……3 hours later than planned But HOORAY ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป we have eventually, actually left the house all 7 of us and the dog! 

What is normal to most families, (popping out for a family afternoon stroll) is like a major traumatic experience to us! Still we’ve gotta make light of our manic life or else I’d be crying uncontrollably and quietly rocking in a corner somewhere.

This is just a small insight to a day in the life of The Madden’s ….. by our standards a GOOD day!! Lol It’s all fun and games here ๐Ÿ˜œ xxx

My comedy life!!๐Ÿค—

Hello! So……here it is my first blog post. Now where do I even begin?

Ok. Lets start with my big kids Toby & Archie Both are autistic/ADHD Pre-teens and are a right handful! Loveable rogues all the same. Then there’s Tornado Tom Tom..the hectic and very cheeky 2 year old. THEN add to the mix 12 week old boy girl twins Albert & Annie (cause life just wasn’t busy enough already๐Ÿค”)! ….. and YES we do own a tv!! Lol.

I thought I’d start this blog to record the many comedy moments that happen to us! Some not funny at the time but I like to share and amuse others! I usually have a good old rant on my Facebook status and people seemed to find my musings hilarious.๐Ÿคฃ

Happy reading! Xxx