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My comedy life!!🤗

Hello! So……here it is my first blog post. Now where do I even begin?

Ok. Lets start with my big kids Toby & Archie Both are autistic/ADHD Pre-teens and are a right handful! Loveable rogues all the same. Then there’s Tornado Tom Tom..the hectic and very cheeky 2 year old. THEN add to the mix 12 week old boy girl twins Albert & Annie (cause life just wasn’t busy enough already🤔)! ….. and YES we do own a tv!! Lol.

I thought I’d start this blog to record the many comedy moments that happen to us! Some not funny at the time but I like to share and amuse others! I usually have a good old rant on my Facebook status and people seemed to find my musings hilarious.🤣

Happy reading! Xxx

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Calm After the Storm

The Meltdown

The sadder side of autism is the frustration and lack of understanding of their own feelings and emotions. Ladies and gentlemen we have the extreme meltdown. Not just a naughty child just having a paddy. I’m talking an uncontrollable meltdown of epic proportions!! 😩

It is a barrage of pent up emotions all fizzed up inside and exploding like fireworks, screaming 10 x as loud but not as pretty.

I watched as the meltdown unfolded….it emerged from the depths of my child almost out of nowhere. All of a sudden BOOM! ✴️ It explodes and Woah Mumma ….this one is a right corker! I am holding back the tears trying to regain some control but I can’t. After an hour of this, with no sign of relenting, I am pushed to the brink of insanity telling myself “It’ll all be good, just give him time to get through it”. However It’s too late for cuddles, distractions, songs, funny anecdotes and silly faces etc. These methods sometimes work to nip It in the bud before it reaches a crescendo. Not this time, it’s too far gone for that. The boy is in full throttle with an huge emotional outburst he and I are not quite sure how to deal with it…..We are at the point of no return and there’s no looking back.😭

The screaming squawking, self harming, head butting, scratching and lashing out is heart wrenching to experience and all I can do is try and keep him safe. Sometimes I get caught in the backlash maybe a slap to the face or a punch but I don’t mind, it’s not intentional or malicious and the priority is his safety and welfare.

The expression on his face is pure sadness, pain and frustration. The emotional turmoil he is in upsets me more than words can explain. I can’t help him, I can’t stop these feelings upsetting him…he is immersed within this unpleasant whirlwind and doesn’t know how to cope 😢. All I can do is just be there beside him, not too close yet not leaving him completely alone … just there. ❤️ We simply have to ride out the storm together and wait for calm or exhaustion (whichever comes first)

The Aftermath

Now a few hours later I watch him sleep. My beautiful boy, so peaceful after the awful happenings of earlier. Luckily he will wake up and not remember a thing about this. He will carry on being his normal happy, cheeky self, so that is some blessing.

I’m shattered and keep getting flashbacks of how distressing this particular episode was for all BUT we survived and came out the other side as we always do. x 💙💪🏻😢😊 #autism #asd #awareness #motherslove #wearestrong #warriors #meltdown #nonverbal #feelings #parenting #blogger #sensoryoverload

Me, Me, Me Time

Hello Long time no blog ey?! I bet you’ve missed me? Ha ha! I have been keeping You updated with the kids stuff on Facebook but though if I’m gonna call myself a blogger maybe I’d better actually write a proper post!! 😄

So this is a little bit different. It’s not all about the kids, as the title suggests it’s All About Me and my crazy antics this time😊 Hope you find it amusing ……….

I’ve been spending a little time on myself lately and leaving daddy to deal with the kids! I’ve gotta say he did do a grand job of keeping them alive and no real dramas 👍 He might moan a lot about being ‘Daddy Daycare’ at the weekends but he’s not all that bad 😘

Here’s some of what I’ve been up to……..

Take That and Party!

So me and me Julie like to go to gigs so we went off to see the lovely Take That in Southampton…. well they most certainly did not disappoint. Had a brilliant night and a good view 😍 sore throat from belting out their all time greatest hits! We had a fab night until…… the way home we were running late for the last train back to Pompey and of course we managed to get lost 🤦🏻‍♀️. We couldn’t find the train station in the dark and we weren’t even bloody drunk!! We took a short cut to get back and had to go down to street level from a shopping centre. Except all the shops were now closed. We found a Lift in the car park jumped in it and realised we couldn’t get out of the door 😳. SHIT 💩It was stuck good and proper. We were already late for the train then the lift doors wouldn’t open further than 2 inches! Kept trying the open door button and it just juddered and creaked barely opening at all. The alarm intercom thingy wasn’t working no answer. We were dehydrated and needed a pee desperately ….Someone had pissed in the corner, which was nice but I was thinking I’m gonna have to go in a minute too. Panic started to set In. We were stuck in a fucking lift at almost midnight with barely any phone battery left after the concert. We yelled out the small gap “help were stuck in the lift” to people in the car park but they ignored us! The next time it opened a crevice I put my hands in and pulled as hard as I could with an almighty hulk like strength 💪🏻. I did it I pulled apart the broken lift door and we made our escape thank fuck!! We somehow made our train too after actually running, almost hyperventilating and pissing our pants (my pelvic floor is not so good these days!) 🤣

Spice Up Your Life ✌🏻💃🏻🌎

Next Up was Spice girls two weeks later. Love a bit of Girl Power ✌🏻 They were really good performing as expected but the whole thing wasn’t amazing! Take That was a better experience (before the lift situation). Mainly because loads more drunk bitches were pushing and shoving past the whole show. Couldn’t see much of the actual spice girls on stage only a glimpse now an again if you strained your neck on tip toes! (I am only 5ft). The atmosphere was amazing though and we sung our hearts out but the really pissed people were very annoying. We’d had a few vinos but not too many. Then would you believe it …..another drama? 😳 Lol Me and Julie almost got stranded in bloody London couldn’t find the coach park after the show and the stewards all sent us the wrong way 🤦🏻‍♀️ We panicked almost crying and collapsing in a heap on the floor! But we managed to pull ourselves together. We ended up walking outside Wembley in a dodgy part of town where the 3rd steward we asked sent us!!

We actually did a full lap around the outside of Wembley. We went back to the actual stadium and finally found the coach park 1/2 hour later!

When we eventually found the coach it was about to drive off back to Pompey without us!! 😳 I’ve never shit my self so much I tell ya.

Literally Ran for the coach where we got told off and we sheepishly apologised to the others. Luckily the coach park was rammed so gave us extra time! …. honestly could only happen to us!! Stuck in a lift last time and almost stranded this time!! Lol We shouldn’t be allowed out without close supervision lol 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hula Hooping Race for Life

I decided to sign myself up for the 5k RFL but with did it with my hula hoop along with my lovely friends from Hoopshaker! I’ve done it before a few times and it’s really good fun. I came out of retirement especially. I haven’t hula hooped for about 4 years properly, what with having 3 babies within 2 years etc. So got back to a couple of classes before hand for practice and had a go in the garden every opportunity I could grab! This Girl’s still got it 🙌⭕️……I’m bit rusty but my child bearing hips are still good at wiggling a hoop 😊 The day of the Race was a lovely atmosphere and I met lots of new people.

Life is All About Balance

It’s so nice to do something for myself other than just being mum. As Much as I adore my position as chief ‘Chaos Co-ordinator’ aka Mum I love being part of a social group again. It does wonders for your confidence and breaks up the normality of life just for an hour or 2 a week …. an escape from reality. As good as any therapy session to improve your mental health and wellbeing.

After 2 years of basically just surviving Day by day I feel my life getting back on track now! The baby years have been a bit of a blur really but a nice blur of course.

I’ve let myself go mentally and physically to be honest, as I’ve been so concentrated on taking care of the kiddies. Now they are off to nursery and school in September I think things may improve and I’ll get some sort of balance back in my life! I wouldn’t change a thing about my beautiful babies. I feel ready to take on new challenges now and grab back a piece of me time. After all, I so deserve it!! 💁🏻‍♀️

I’d love to try new things too like Rock choir …. a couple of my friends do this and looks amazing fun (also I could sing without being told to shut up your annoying/embarrassing!) 🎤 I’d Love to learn to do tricks/moves on my quad roller skates. I’ve even been looking at more circus skills like aerial hoop and static trapeze!!! One day maybe? Once I loose about 5 stone lol 🤣 When time allows in the future I might get to try some of these things out. I’d be so bored going to a gym or running everyday….I’d like to keep fit doing something different and a little bit crazy just like me😜

Self confidence and making new friends from all walks of life is important to me. Taking up a hobby or two helps me to manage everything I have to deal with for my gorgeous special family. I don’t usually let things grind me down, no matter how hard they get BUT I wouldn’t be human if I said I don’t have days when life IS overwhelming. Some time out can just give you enough breathing space to think calmly before taking on the next day/ with a fresh head and positive mindset. More of this please 😊PMA✌🏻

Anyways I know I’m rambling on lots now, something I’m very good at! Lol Thanks for reading…. if you managed the whole post well done you 🤣👏🏻🙌

In the famous words of Shrek “Better out than In I always say” This Works for feelings and farts 😆

Lots of Love

L 😘 xxx

How to change a nappy in 10 easy steps

Method for fidgety toddlers

🤣 Step 1- Grab child, try to avoid spillages or baby poking fingers in pooh (there’s a time and a place for exploring sensory play and this is not it!)

Step 2- Pin child to the changing mat in a gentle but firm manner. (You can use your feet for this if necessary). Then commence crazy Singing…. a medley of their favourite nursery rhymes or a made up song about Pooh 💩

Step 3 – If this ‘pin down hold’ fails, try to change nappy standing up. Whip it off and hope that any debris doesn’t flick up in your face. Advise to keep mouth closed…. just incase!

Step 4- By now child will have escaped your grip and peed/poohed on the floor somewhere. Collect child up again with one arm and with the ‘spare’ hand, mop up any puddles of piss or rogue runaway nuggets…before another kid slides up/steps in it 😳

Step 5 – Whilst child is arching their back and wriggling around in protest, slap some nappy cream on as needed.

Step 6 – Remove child’s hands from sudocreme tub.

Step 7 – Catch child for the umpteenth time and chuck a pull up nappy on them faster than the speed of light.

Step 8 – Re-dress child after taking them off the window sil, dining room table or in the under stairs cupboard.

Step 9 – Repeat step 6.

Step 10- Start all over again as child has plopped in fresh nappy 💩L x 🤪

10 Things that are no longer cool when you’re a 40+ Mum (apparently)

1- Trying to keep up with the latest dance craze for example The Dab, Whip Ney Ney, The Floss

2- Attempting to make sense of games like Fornite, Roblox, COD etc I prefer a good old fashioned Mario game on the Super Nintendo me! lol #oldskool

3- Singing and dancing in public to embarrass your kids (tbh this was never actually a cool mum thing to do but ……it’s just so funny to wind them up 🤣) Nursery rhymes, made up songs, musicals and of course annoying baby shark at the top of my voice 👍

4- Writing text abbreviations (and sometimes forgetting what they actually mean) trying get down with the kids 🤦🏻‍♀️

5- Getting tipsy drunk and dancing to a party action song such as the birdie song, cha-cha slide, Macarena etc Not really acceptable as cool Mum behaviour any age but I still like to participate in any case…even if I’m sober Lol One thing I find as I get older, I really don’t give a shit what people think 😊. Also on special occasions, I like shaking my bum in a club like I’m freakin’ Shakira …My child bearing ‘Hips Don’t Lie’

6- Peeking over the top of your spectacles and squinting to look at someone. Also wearing glasses on those necklace thingys …. never cool but very practical!

7- When you no longer recognise some of the youngsters music and have to switch radio stations. Bye bye Capital FM hello Radio 2 lol

8- Talking about pooh size, shape, frequency, consistency is not cool but I can’t promise I won’t do this ….. most of my blog posts involve talking about baby plop💩

9- Wearing thong knickers….. Not for me anyway. Nowadays it’s like a bit of cheese wire cutting into ya cheeks! Nope since birthing 5 kids my fanny needs a break and no chaffing going on down there!! 😳 Its Bridget Jones granny ‘ comfy’ knickers all day long for me. (Soz probably TMI)

10- Saying things to the kids such as “Back in my day such and such happened”

“Less of the cheek or I’ll give you a clip round the ear hole”,

“Chop, chop hurry up”

And my personal fave “Up the wooden hill”

I guess I’m not really all that cool then? 😎🤔🤣😂 Ah well at least I’m a little bit funny sometimes though! 🤪

That’s all for now folks!

Lotsa love L 😘 x

Top Travel Tips with kids – Guest Post by Andy

So here’s something a bit different to my usual ranting. A cheeky little guest post written by my brother. Introducing to you the one, the only…..Andy Simpson 👏🏻 He’s been through hell and highwater with his kids and is now even more amazing as a single dad of 2. Have a read he’s actually quite funny 🤣

My holiday experiences and top tips as a single dad with two kids.

I am too old for Magaluf, I don’t feel it but now I’m pretty sure I look it. Well my kids are much closer to being 18 than I am.

Having everything pre-booked and a plan is awesome until it needs to be changed.

Do not bother telling the kids what you are doing tomorrow (or your hotel room number), they will always need reminding 27 times but it’s nice that they still get excited each time they are told.

To keep the peace between siblings, keep a strict rota on whose turn it is to open the hotel room door and who gets to press the lift buttons.

Kids hate sleep but are always tired.

Suns out, guns out in Spain translates to – there is no minimum clothing requirement and the kids need to know a name for everything hanging out there.

I used to love my kids until I asked them to walk anywhere in a hot country.

Do not offer the kids what they would like to buy from a shop which also sells bouncing booby balls and phallic shaped bottle openers. They will want them!

Spanish passport control has never seen a single dad with two kids on holiday before; my first Spanish lesson was Donde está mami? (where is mum?). Translating and signing that one has passed away and the other one fucked off was a bit of a challenge.

Do not tell your kids you think a woman is attractive; they have no problem blurting it out or actually going over to tell them whether their massive boyfriend is there or not.

Little girls need the toilet urgently a lot. In the pool, in the sea and on me (pointing them in the general direction of a urinal is not a good idea and since when do girls pee forwards?).

Applying sun cream to two kids five times a day is a full time job and they are like ultra rare Pokémon – you’ve gotta catch the little buggers first.

Give them some water to play in and they will give you a million memories… and leave you alone for a while.

Whoever said drinking while with kids is wrong? My kids encourage me to drink; apparently drinking (responsibly) makes me Yay! Fun Daddy! And a hangover means Yay! Daddy’s still asleep, more game time!

Reading a bedtime story from memory rather than using a book has led to a very confusing yet highly amusing mash up of Goldilocks and the Three Bears and Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf didn’t eat Granny as she was too hot, the chairs were all far too small so and they all ended up in a very hard bed together surrounded by cold porridge until Little Red was eaten by Goldilocks. Later on I discovered my 12 year old boy decided to google ‘what is a gangbang?’

As a dad, singing and dancing in public is no longer fun; since it now embarrasses me more than it does the kids.

Give your kids some independence and they will disappear like magic.

Kids need to know where their games are more than I need to know where the kids are.

After tons of swimming lessons and still showing no improvement, I taught my daughter to swim by putting her in the deep end and told her I will only save her if she shouts very loudly Daddy is the king! 15 minutes later she was an Olympic freestyle champion.

Teaching the kids basic Spanish seemed like a great idea until my boy answered a Scottish family by saying ‘no entiendo’ (‘I don’t understand’) ‘Je suis Anglais’ (‘I am English’ but in FRENCH!!!).

Answering the question of “what is a strip club and why do they offer fully naked stage shows” was easy. Finding some where to leave them while I pop in for a drink was the hard part.

So for any single parents planning on taking their kids on an abroad holiday alone, be prepared and expect the unexpected but I guarantee holidaying with kids alone is a thoroughly entertaining and rewarding experience. Hope you enjoyed!

Sleep is overrated anyway?! 😴

It’s the eve of the first day back at school and none of my kids feel like sleeping at all! 👍

The big boys are squabbling and fighting in their room and after telling them them to calm down around 17 gazillion times at 12.30am they finally give in and shut up! The rope and gaffer tape worked a treat! 😉

Before they did actually calm down they managed to wake The twins up. Yippee! Thankfully they dozed on the sofa for a bit, whilst I pottered around getting all the school uniform prepared and bags etc

About 1am who’s that I hear bounding along the passageway …. u got it The Tornado 🌪heard there was a baby party going on in the lounge and didn’t wanna miss out!

He thudded down the stairs trampled on his sleeping brother, waking him up and proceeded to steal his sisters bottle from her mouth….therefore waking her up. All three up and all hell let loose!! FFS of all nights I could have done with some sleep for a clear head in the morning?! 🤷🏻‍♀️😬

I hadn’t eaten, or showered. I was still wearing my day clothes and was sooooo fecking tired even before all the baby shenanigans tonight I was absolutley knackered!

After much sssshhhhh-ing and NO be quiet they kept teasing me snuggling up for a brief quiet moment and then springing to life again with yet another second wind.

Tornado was clattering his pissing Ninky Nonk toy around the fooor and crashing it as loud as possible. Then his whale toy was rammed repeatedly into the side of my head (he has a thing for doing this) Then he grabbed a chunk of my hair from my head and yanked out a clump Just for fun. 😩

I shoved the night garden on repeat on the tele box 📺 with barely any volume. Not ideal I know but at 2am I was pretty desperate for them to settle down so tried milk, blanket, cuddles ..all to no avail.

At this point Bam Bam had star-fished on one of the sofas and had gone back to kip 😴 1 down 2 to go!!

Meanwhile Pebbles had turned into bloody ‘spider girl’ she was teetering on the edge of the radiator and flinging herself off the sofa bouncing. Then balancing upside down on her head.

I was getting to the end of my tether. It was 3am now so I’m pleading with Tommy to be quiet and go to sleep. Literally begging him in desperation with tears streaming 😭 down my face. Saying that mummy REALLY needs to go to sleep now. So I turned tv off cause that plan didn’t work. After being handed the remote a several hundred times and Tornado flicking the light switch on and off like a strobe effect …… the neighbours probably think we were actually having a fucking disco.

Around 4am ish both Pebbles and Tornado finally gave in! 3 hours before we needed to get up for school.

Ah, So much fun we had🌪👶🏻👶🏻🤫😴🤦🏻‍♀️😭😩 lol

Thanks for reading (congrats if you got this far!) I’m all out of rants …..for now! 😘

Love L x

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

School Run with the Madden’s 🤦🏻‍♀️

Honestly you could not make this shit up!

The morning school run is most definitely NOT my favourite part of the day! In fact the sheer thought of piling 5 kids in the van send shivers right down my spine.

From the outside it could be seen as a comedy sketch, from the inside I sometimes just want the ground to swallow me up and ball my eyes out (which sometimes does happen). But instead, you lucky people get the pleasure of my ranting blog post!! 🤪

So if you’ve not got bored yet here’s how our typical morning went…….

The big ones have had me in tears 😭 today, trying to get them ready and off to school!

We’ve had tantrums, meltdowns, squabbles and fisticuffs all before having our weetabix. FML 🤦🏻‍♀️

The older boys really do not like mornings (which I do kinda get if truth be told). After calling them every 10 mins for an hour since 7am. They finally rise from the pit they call their bedroom. They both have their duvets wrapped around them and sulking about being woken up too early. It’s now gone 8am and one is telling me how unfair life is and how he hates school. To be fair he does struggle with anxiety, so I do understand when he’s having trouble coping. The social pressures of senior school are very real 😞.

However today it was those lovely teen hormones showing themselves and the boys were just literally niggling at each other and me!!

The night before I lay out everyone’s clothes shoes bags even down to underwear and deodorant, hair gel etc all ready to go in the morning.

It doesn’t matter if we get up at 6.30am or 8.30am We are still ALWAYS FUCKING LATE. 😩

The babies are no real problem in the mornings (as yet anyways) they just go from cot into the minbus in their pjs with a bottle. The Tornado 🌪 is starting to play hard ball In the mornings though running away, out the front door faster than a lightening bolt. He thinks it’s hilarious to play chase when we’re late but he knows no different. Being non verbal, he has no real understanding of why we are rushing in the morning. It’s all a big game to him.

So we finally get everyone outside and Tommy is pulling a refusal to get in the van. I have to carry him kicking and screaming and fold him into the car seat. I try to distract him with a random song, a tickle or counting game whilst i secure him with the belt swiftly. His arms escape the harness numerous times…..Phew I’m really working up a sweat now!

Were on the move (albeit 45 mins late) and the stimming starts. Repetitive noises/phrases and shrill high pitch sounds come from both the big boys, It’s a coping mechanism for them. As were stuck at traffic lights they shout out random remarks to passing cars with their windows down! Nothing rude thank god! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Finally we approach the school car park. Watch out, The Madden’s have entered the building!

And…… I can breath! We made it 🤪🎉☕️😊

There is always some drama in our life each day but all I’ll say is “Better Late Than Never” I’m actually surprised we even get out the front door to be honest! 🤣

Rant over and out ….. once again thanks for reading!

Love L x😊