So here’s something a bit different to my usual ranting. A cheeky little guest post written by my brother. Introducing to you the one, the only…..Andy Simpson 👏🏻 He’s been through hell and highwater with his kids and is now even more amazing as a single dad of 2. Have a read he’s actually quite funny 🤣
My holiday experiences and top tips as a single dad with two kids.
I am too old for Magaluf, I don’t feel it but now I’m pretty sure I look it. Well my kids are much closer to being 18 than I am.
Having everything pre-booked and a plan is awesome until it needs to be changed.
Do not bother telling the kids what you are doing tomorrow (or your hotel room number), they will always need reminding 27 times but it’s nice that they still get excited each time they are told.
To keep the peace between siblings, keep a strict rota on whose turn it is to open the hotel room door and who gets to press the lift buttons.
Kids hate sleep but are always tired.
Suns out, guns out in Spain translates to – there is no minimum clothing requirement and the kids need to know a name for everything hanging out there.
I used to love my kids until I asked them to walk anywhere in a hot country.
Do not offer the kids what they would like to buy from a shop which also sells bouncing booby balls and phallic shaped bottle openers. They will want them!
Spanish passport control has never seen a single dad with two kids on holiday before; my first Spanish lesson was Donde está mami? (where is mum?). Translating and signing that one has passed away and the other one fucked off was a bit of a challenge.
Do not tell your kids you think a woman is attractive; they have no problem blurting it out or actually going over to tell them whether their massive boyfriend is there or not.
Little girls need the toilet urgently a lot. In the pool, in the sea and on me (pointing them in the general direction of a urinal is not a good idea and since when do girls pee forwards?).
Applying sun cream to two kids five times a day is a full time job and they are like ultra rare Pokémon – you’ve gotta catch the little buggers first.
Give them some water to play in and they will give you a million memories… and leave you alone for a while.
Whoever said drinking while with kids is wrong? My kids encourage me to drink; apparently drinking (responsibly) makes me Yay! Fun Daddy! And a hangover means Yay! Daddy’s still asleep, more game time!
Reading a bedtime story from memory rather than using a book has led to a very confusing yet highly amusing mash up of Goldilocks and the Three Bears and Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf didn’t eat Granny as she was too hot, the chairs were all far too small so and they all ended up in a very hard bed together surrounded by cold porridge until Little Red was eaten by Goldilocks. Later on I discovered my 12 year old boy decided to google ‘what is a gangbang?’
As a dad, singing and dancing in public is no longer fun; since it now embarrasses me more than it does the kids.
Give your kids some independence and they will disappear like magic.
Kids need to know where their games are more than I need to know where the kids are.
After tons of swimming lessons and still showing no improvement, I taught my daughter to swim by putting her in the deep end and told her I will only save her if she shouts very loudly Daddy is the king! 15 minutes later she was an Olympic freestyle champion.
Teaching the kids basic Spanish seemed like a great idea until my boy answered a Scottish family by saying ‘no entiendo’ (‘I don’t understand’) ‘Je suis Anglais’ (‘I am English’ but in FRENCH!!!).
Answering the question of “what is a strip club and why do they offer fully naked stage shows” was easy. Finding some where to leave them while I pop in for a drink was the hard part.
So for any single parents planning on taking their kids on an abroad holiday alone, be prepared and expect the unexpected but I guarantee holidaying with kids alone is a thoroughly entertaining and rewarding experience. Hope you enjoyed!