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My comedy life!!๐Ÿค—

Hello! So……here it is my first blog post. Now where do I even begin?

Ok. Lets start with my big kids Toby & Archie Both are autistic/ADHD Pre-teens and are a right handful! Loveable rogues all the same. Then there’s Tornado Tom Tom..the hectic and very cheeky 2 year old. THEN add to the mix 12 week old boy girl twins Albert & Annie (cause life just wasn’t busy enough already๐Ÿค”)! ….. and YES we do own a tv!! Lol.

I thought I’d start this blog to record the many comedy moments that happen to us! Some not funny at the time but I like to share and amuse others! I usually have a good old rant on my Facebook status and people seemed to find my musings hilarious.๐Ÿคฃ

Happy reading! Xxx

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Top Travel Tips with kids – Guest Post by Andy

So here’s something a bit different to my usual ranting. A cheeky little guest post written by my brother. Introducing to you the one, the only…..Andy Simpson ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป He’s been through hell and highwater with his kids and is now even more amazing as a single dad of 2. Have a read he’s actually quite funny ๐Ÿคฃ

My holiday experiences and top tips as a single dad with two kids.

I am too old for Magaluf, I donโ€™t feel it but now Iโ€™m pretty sure I look it. Well my kids are much closer to being 18 than I am.

Having everything pre-booked and a plan is awesome until it needs to be changed.

Do not bother telling the kids what you are doing tomorrow (or your hotel room number), they will always need reminding 27 times but itโ€™s nice that they still get excited each time they are told.

To keep the peace between siblings, keep a strict rota on whose turn it is to open the hotel room door and who gets to press the lift buttons.

Kids hate sleep but are always tired.

Suns out, guns out in Spain translates to – there is no minimum clothing requirement and the kids need to know a name for everything hanging out there.

I used to love my kids until I asked them to walk anywhere in a hot country.

Do not offer the kids what they would like to buy from a shop which also sells bouncing booby balls and phallic shaped bottle openers. They will want them!

Spanish passport control has never seen a single dad with two kids on holiday before; my first Spanish lesson was Donde estรก mami? (where is mum?). Translating and signing that one has passed away and the other one fucked off was a bit of a challenge.

Do not tell your kids you think a woman is attractive; they have no problem blurting it out or actually going over to tell them whether their massive boyfriend is there or not.

Little girls need the toilet urgently a lot. In the pool, in the sea and on me (pointing them in the general direction of a urinal is not a good idea and since when do girls pee forwards?).

Applying sun cream to two kids five times a day is a full time job and they are like ultra rare Pokรฉmon – youโ€™ve gotta catch the little buggers first.

Give them some water to play in and they will give you a million memories… and leave you alone for a while.

Whoever said drinking while with kids is wrong? My kids encourage me to drink; apparently drinking (responsibly) makes me Yay! Fun Daddy! And a hangover means Yay! Daddyโ€™s still asleep, more game time!

Reading a bedtime story from memory rather than using a book has led to a very confusing yet highly amusing mash up of Goldilocks and the Three Bears and Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf didnโ€™t eat Granny as she was too hot, the chairs were all far too small so and they all ended up in a very hard bed together surrounded by cold porridge until Little Red was eaten by Goldilocks. Later on I discovered my 12 year old boy decided to google โ€˜what is a gangbang?โ€™

As a dad, singing and dancing in public is no longer fun; since it now embarrasses me more than it does the kids.

Give your kids some independence and they will disappear like magic.

Kids need to know where their games are more than I need to know where the kids are.

After tons of swimming lessons and still showing no improvement, I taught my daughter to swim by putting her in the deep end and told her I will only save her if she shouts very loudly Daddy is the king! 15 minutes later she was an Olympic freestyle champion.

Teaching the kids basic Spanish seemed like a great idea until my boy answered a Scottish family by saying โ€˜no entiendoโ€™ (โ€˜I donโ€™t understandโ€™) โ€˜Je suis Anglaisโ€™ (โ€˜I am Englishโ€™ but in FRENCH!!!).

Answering the question of โ€œwhat is a strip club and why do they offer fully naked stage showsโ€ was easy. Finding some where to leave them while I pop in for a drink was the hard part.

So for any single parents planning on taking their kids on an abroad holiday alone, be prepared and expect the unexpected but I guarantee holidaying with kids alone is a thoroughly entertaining and rewarding experience. Hope you enjoyed!

Sleep is overrated anyway?! ๐Ÿ˜ด

It’s the eve of the first day back at school and none of my kids feel like sleeping at all! ๐Ÿ‘

The big boys are squabbling and fighting in their room and after telling them them to calm down around 17 gazillion times at 12.30am they finally give in and shut up! The rope and gaffer tape worked a treat! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Before they did actually calm down they managed to wake The twins up. Yippee! Thankfully they dozed on the sofa for a bit, whilst I pottered around getting all the school uniform prepared and bags etc

About 1am who’s that I hear bounding along the passageway …. u got it The Tornado ๐ŸŒชheard there was a baby party going on in the lounge and didn’t wanna miss out!

He thudded down the stairs trampled on his sleeping brother, waking him up and proceeded to steal his sisters bottle from her mouth….therefore waking her up. All three up and all hell let loose!! FFS of all nights I could have done with some sleep for a clear head in the morning?! ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

I hadn’t eaten, or showered. I was still wearing my day clothes and was sooooo fecking tired even before all the baby shenanigans tonight I was absolutley knackered!

After much sssshhhhh-ing and NO be quiet they kept teasing me snuggling up for a brief quiet moment and then springing to life again with yet another second wind.

Tornado was clattering his pissing Ninky Nonk toy around the fooor and crashing it as loud as possible. Then his whale toy was rammed repeatedly into the side of my head (he has a thing for doing this) Then he grabbed a chunk of my hair from my head and yanked out a clump Just for fun. ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

I shoved the night garden on repeat on the tele box ๐Ÿ“บ with barely any volume. Not ideal I know but at 2am I was pretty desperate for them to settle down so tried milk, blanket, cuddles ..all to no avail.

At this point Bam Bam had star-fished on one of the sofas and had gone back to kip ๐Ÿ˜ด 1 down 2 to go!!

Meanwhile Pebbles had turned into bloody ‘spider girl’ she was teetering on the edge of the radiator and flinging herself off the sofa bouncing. Then balancing upside down on her head.

I was getting to the end of my tether. It was 3am now so I’m pleading with Tommy to be quiet and go to sleep. Literally begging him in desperation with tears streaming ๐Ÿ˜ญ down my face. Saying that mummy REALLY needs to go to sleep now. So I turned tv off cause that plan didn’t work. After being handed the remote a several hundred times and Tornado flicking the light switch on and off like a strobe effect …… the neighbours probably think we were actually having a fucking disco.

Around 4am ish both Pebbles and Tornado finally gave in! 3 hours before we needed to get up for school.

Ah, So much fun we had๐ŸŒช๐Ÿ‘ถ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘ถ๐Ÿป๐Ÿคซ๐Ÿ˜ด๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ฉ lol

Thanks for reading (congrats if you got this far!) I’m all out of rants …..for now! ๐Ÿ˜˜

Love L x

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School Run with the Maddenโ€™s ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

Honestly you could not make this shit up!

The morning school run is most definitely NOT my favourite part of the day! In fact the sheer thought of piling 5 kids in the van send shivers right down my spine.

From the outside it could be seen as a comedy sketch, from the inside I sometimes just want the ground to swallow me up and ball my eyes out (which sometimes does happen). But instead, you lucky people get the pleasure of my ranting blog post!! ๐Ÿคช

So if you’ve not got bored yet here’s how our typical morning went…….

The big ones have had me in tears ๐Ÿ˜ญ today, trying to get them ready and off to school!

We’ve had tantrums, meltdowns, squabbles and fisticuffs all before having our weetabix. FML ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

The older boys really do not like mornings (which I do kinda get if truth be told). After calling them every 10 mins for an hour since 7am. They finally rise from the pit they call their bedroom. They both have their duvets wrapped around them and sulking about being woken up too early. It’s now gone 8am and one is telling me how unfair life is and how he hates school. To be fair he does struggle with anxiety, so I do understand when he’s having trouble coping. The social pressures of senior school are very real ๐Ÿ˜ž.

However today it was those lovely teen hormones showing themselves and the boys were just literally niggling at each other and me!!

The night before I lay out everyone’s clothes shoes bags even down to underwear and deodorant, hair gel etc all ready to go in the morning.

It doesn’t matter if we get up at 6.30am or 8.30am We are still ALWAYS FUCKING LATE. ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

The babies are no real problem in the mornings (as yet anyways) they just go from cot into the minbus in their pjs with a bottle. The Tornado ๐ŸŒช is starting to play hard ballย In the mornings though running away, out the front door faster than a lightening bolt. He thinks it’s hilarious to play chase when we’re late but he knows no different. Being non verbal, he has no real understanding of why we are rushing in the morning. It’s all a big game to him.

So we finally get everyone outside and Tommy is pulling a refusal to get in the van. I have to carry him kicking and screaming and fold him into the car seat. I try to distract him with a random song, a tickle or counting game whilst i secure him with the belt swiftly. His arms escape the harness numerous times…..Phew I’m really working up a sweat now!

Were on the move (albeit 45 mins late) and the stimming starts. Repetitive noises/phrases and shrill high pitch sounds come from both the big boys, It’s a coping mechanism for them. As were stuck at traffic lights they shout out random remarks to passing cars with their windows down! Nothing rude thank god! ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

Finally we approach the school car park. Watch out, The Maddenโ€™s have entered the building!

And…… I can breath! We made it ๐Ÿคช๐ŸŽ‰โ˜•๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Š

There is always some drama in our life each day but all Iโ€™ll say is “Better Late Than Never” Iโ€™m actually surprised we even get out the front door to be honest! ๐Ÿคฃ

Rant over and out ….. once again thanks for reading!

Love L x๐Ÿ˜Š

Life ……oh My life!

Oh hello! ๐Ÿค— Remember me? The little bit insane mother with lots of kids! Lol ๐Ÿคฃ

Long time no rant! So here goes……

Today has been very trying! It’s only 12pm lunchtime and I’ve done 9 nappy changes (including 4 poonamis), 4 outfit changes. 1 pukey throwing up incident.

Annie has been chasing me round crawling at the speed of light โšก๏ธShe’s trying to eat out of the dustpan as quick as I can sweep up! Albert has delved into the sudocreme no less than 6 times today whilst I’m changing the others and has eaten a good handful of it too! He bites the lid off and tucks in like its some kind of yummy treat! ๐Ÿคข

Those of you that follow my social media pages will know this has become quite the obsession with Master Albert! Little git๐Ÿ˜œ.

Albert is a climber…. he climbs the sofa, footstool and is eyeing up the window sill next. This is where big Bro The Tornado spends a lot of his time! Albert can walk with toys in front and swing between the furniture like a boss. He is practicing letting go and standing independently so I think we are gonna be mobile on 2 feet very, very soon ๐Ÿ˜ณ.

Miss Annie isn’t too far behind, she’s a little more wobbly but blimey the girl can get around fast. She can stand at the sofa and she’s not far off cruising. Annie likes to be upside down a lot and she watches tv like it, through her legs. She knows exactly what she wants and she will take it (milk, juice, biscuits, toys) she steels from her brothers and laughs when they cry…..little minx. She’s not daft! ๐Ÿ’–

Then there’s The Tornado ๐ŸŒช Well he’s still hectic as you like ๐Ÿคฃ and he is actually saying a few understandable words like ‘yeah’ , ‘ball’ and ‘up’ . It’s a little random at the moment but it’s progress none the less. He is nearly 3 and non verbal aside from these snippets. It’s gives us a glimmer of hope that his words will come eventually. It’s all very exciting stuff ๐ŸŽ‰chuffed Mumma right here ๐Ÿ™‹๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Š. I’m sure, He too will be backchatting us in around 10 years time. Lol.

Life with 3 under 3 is far from a boring life that’s for sure and add to that the 2 big boys and their teenage hormones, anxiety and obsessions. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ More fun than you can shake a stick at! ๐Ÿคฃ

I still love being Mum though, hard as it might be. I’m older, wiser? ๐Ÿค” greyer and wrinklier ๐Ÿ‘ต๐Ÿป but can still get down with the kids when needed (much to the embarrassment of my eldest)……Yes, I can do The Floss ๐Ÿ˜Ž ha ha!

It’s Half term too so thankfully no bastard school run to do! However it’s not that easy for me to take them all out by my myself. Entertaining 5 kids of varying ages is a challenge but we muddle through as best we can.

The big boys are banned from the X-box right now for being lairy/cheeky so they are driving me up the bloody wall! With cries of “I’m bored” or in Kevin the Teenager style “It’s so unfair when can I go back online” “Never” I reply *stomps off in strop…….Kids ey….Gotta love em ๐Ÿ˜

Well that’s our update on life for now! Nothing too enthralling but there’ll be plenty more tales to tell. Watch this space. I’m Just Trying to find my writing mojo again. It has been pretty full on lately as you can imagine. I’ve had no time to scratch my ass let alone blog! Fingers crossed I’ll find a bit of time here and there to keep you all amused.

Ta-Ta for now

Love L ๐Ÿ˜˜ x

We survived the school holidays …. just!

Yes I know we’re already a week back to school but it’s been hectic!!! Phew! 2 weeks off school with 5 kids has brought me to the edge of insanity BUT we got through it! Lol We’ve had tears and meltdowns (me and them), squabbling, screaming, fisticuffs and to top it off a fractured toddler elbow!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

Whilst other parents post pictures of their perfectly well behaved children doing something wholesome and outdoorsy every day, I’m a prisoner in my own home. Stuck in the house arguing with the big boys that it’s time to vacate their pit and switch the X Box off!!

The Little ones taking it in turns to cry, shit, sleep, repeat! ๐Ÿ‘ถ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘ถ๐Ÿป๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

Seriously I’m at the end of my tether….. I’m not gonna lie these past few weeks have been bloody hard work!!!

My eldest has become practically aggro-phobic and doesn’t want to leave his safe zone at home. His anxiety has reached new heightened levels so it takes hours of persuasion but we eventually try leaving the house for a walk. Nice bit of fresh air in our lungs ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿถ๐ŸŒฒ๐Ÿƒ However as the end of the hols drew closer we did manage to get The big boys out swimming with dad, to a retro gaming cafe (more computers) lol. We hid a few decorated rocks on our walk to then post on Facebook and re-hid them for others to find …..apparently it’s a new craze. Who knew?! For more info See.Portsmouth Rocks UKFinally I braved it and took all 5 to the inflatables session….. which is basically loads of bouncy castles indoors and 30 odd kids running riot! Fun times ๐Ÿ‘

So they did get out and do and few activities eventually.

In other news the twins are teething big time and I am seriously sleep deprived. Getting roughly 3-4 hours sleep a night is not really sufficient to survive ๐Ÿ˜ด Tommy has literally been beating me up out of frustration daily and sometimes quite violently โ˜น๏ธ and in between cuddles But I grin and bear it, heartbreaking as it is. Poor me!

On Thursday the Tornado fell off the sofa (climbing again) so a 10pm little trip to the local treatment centre was in order. We thought he’d popped his elbow out if it’s joint again ….so they clicked it back into place. However this time something wasn’t right, he still couldn’t use it and was dragging his limp arm around like Woody from Toy Story! So next day he had to go to A&E. Finally the doctors find a hairline teeny tiny fracture in his elbow!! Poor little Tornado ๐ŸŒช

However today the sun is now shining ๐ŸŒžand I got 6 hours sleep last night! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ Bonus. I feel normal Service has now been resumed at the Madhouse! …….Oooh and We won on Euromillions last night ๐ŸŽ‰ (a whole ยฃ6.80) but better than a poke in the eye. As the song says ‘Things Can Only Get Better’.

Life will improve soon Iโ€™m certain ๐Ÿ˜Š Gotta take the rough with the smooth and I’llย take whatever life throws at me!

Anyways I’m back in the game now! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป๐Ÿ˜˜ I’ve missed my little ranting space. I’m So glad to be back to bend your ears! ๐Ÿ‘‚๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘‚๐Ÿป

Also to make me feel better I am going ‘out out’ next month …… I’m gonna get shitfaced on jรคger bombs and dance on the tables!! Ha ha! ๐Ÿน๐Ÿฅ‚๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ˜

Lynne X

Grappling Twins ๐Ÿ‘ถ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘ถ๐Ÿป

Watching my 2 youngest offspring rolling around the floor grappling with each other like some kind of ‘no holds barred’ WWF Wresting match ….. there’s eye poking, ear twisting, hair pulling. ๐Ÿ™Š I’m telling Albert “no” to him pulling his sisters tuft of hair for the umpteenth time this morning. He looks at me a smiles cheekily and does it twice as hard, grinning like a Cheshire Cat! ๐Ÿ˜บLittle git!!

Mind you Annie does give as good as she gets back to him to be fair. They trample (crawl) over each other so intent on reaching the closet bit of furniture. Yes, both twinnies are fully mobile and on the move now. Both crawling at speed, usually in opposite directions ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ We have a baby gate at every door, which I’ve swiftly learnt to scissor kick over the top (can’t open the bloody gate with 2 bubbas hanging onto the other side, looking like they’re in baby jail!) The Tornado ๐ŸŒช also loiters around the gate and gets his leg stuck in between the bars 101 times a day!!

Albert is walking proficiently round the furniture (coasting). Also standing up and even letting go momentarily. He’s practicing going up then down and laughing cause he’s plotting what mischief he can get into. He can do the whole flight of stairs too! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Annie has got the crawling down to a fine art now and she can get on her feet whilst touching her toes. She sits perfectly straight up with her legs in the splits….. like a little ballerina doing her stretches. However then she spoils the ambiance of being lady like by rolling over with her legs still a Kimber and farting in a not very graceful fashion!! ….Yeah yeah I know just like her mummy!!๐Ÿ™Š

Even though we’re almost 9 months in I still stop and think WOW I have twins I made these perfect little bundles …. it STILL has not sunk in completely. Life has been such a blur of shitty nappies, teething, baby puke, sleepless nights, messy weaning and most importantly survival.

These kids amaze me everyday, as do the other 3. ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’–

I wonder what it will be like in a couple more months when I have 3 under 3 literally running around, disobeying orders and causing havoc!!

I look forward to seeing what trouble the three of them will cause together?!!๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคฃ

Time to employ NanneeMcPhee maybe?

Lots of love

L x

All Aboard the Autism Train

As the days go by it’s looking increasingly likely that I have a 3rd child with Autism/ADHD.

Tornado Tommy is next up to jump on! Buckle up kids you’re in for a rocky ride!

The familiar and sometimes peculiar behaviours he’s displaying is just confirming what we already suspected. We are 99% sure he is on the spectrum.

Tornado Tommy is a proper little character and yet different to the bigger boys in many ways. He is hectic & destructive and never ever sits still (just like his brothers) An average 2 year old can be crazy and hectic but it’s extreme with him.

The mahoosive explosive hour long meltdowns that come out of the blue……he’s completely non-verbal. He used to try and say a handful of words at 18months then just regressed back to zero speech โ˜น๏ธ .

Theย repetitive, obsessional behaviours.

The lashing out in temper and frustration. He hits and kicks me, quite hard (yet unmeaningly) during meltdowns. To gain my attention he might bosh me on the head with the remote a few times if he wants the channel changing. Or he might full on slap me round the chops! ๐Ÿ˜ฎIf I don’t give him my immediate attention.

My older boys never did these things! It’s pretty hard to accept your child beating the shit out of you and just having to calmly smile through gritted teeth and try to diffuse the situation before it escalates! But hey ho we just have to grin and bear it for now. It’s Soooo hard and frustrating for him and us!

Also he has started banging his head repetitively on the floor during a complete meltdown. Any hard surface he can find and his poor head gets it THUMP ๐Ÿค•. This is extremely worrying and heartbreaking to see him in such distress ๐Ÿ˜ข Poor boy!

Tommy plays alternatively lining random objects and toys up everyday. He’s more interested in the chippings at the park than using the equipment and joining in with other kids playing. To name but a few of his ways.

……..So anyway we’re on the pathway for diagnosis but it’s still too early to diagnose officially. Obviously having already been there, done that and got the t-shirt (twice) as seasoned Autism parents we kinda know what we’re dealing with already! ๐Ÿ˜œ

It is obviously is genetic somewhere along the line as 3 out of 5 are autistic so far!

I’m just hoping once the speech comes along some of his impulsive, irrational behaviours will simmer down a bit! ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

The boy has got bucket loads of character though so I’m sure there will be a few more funny tales (not funny at the time) to tell. ๐ŸคฃWatch this space! Lol.

I obviously was not meant to have an easy life with my lot…. so I have to embrace the madness! If I didn’t I’d be locked in a padded cell, heavily sedated for the rest of my days!! ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Normal is way over rated anyways!! Three of our very special boys have this label but each and everyone of them have qualities and personalities that shine above the disability.

YES they are all have their quirks and their behaviour is often unruly and off the scale BUT they are our boys and through thick and thin We will love and protect them always ๐Ÿ˜Š xxx

Don’t forget Autism Awareness day is 2nd April…. Spread the word x